Life Stuff...Depression, Being A Mum & Guilt.

It's not something that I hide, and if you have been a regular reader, you will already know; but I have depression. I've had it for many years, but only really got diagnosed about four years ago.
It took a while to find a medication that worked for me, and I was on that for over a year. Luckily, I managed to find myself coping a lot better and decided to slowly wean myself off it. For the most part, things were great in the beginning. My mood was a lot higher, I had more happy periods and the 'bad days' were much fewer than before. I could cope, and I felt strong and empowered by the fact that I felt like that. That was almost two years ago.

Since then, I fell pregnant, had Scout and am now a mum to an almost one year old.
I'm struggling.
Throughout my pregnancy I had bad days, but for the most part I would put them down to pregnancy hormones; because we all know that you can become a totally different person whilst you are growing a person. Those hormones are intense.
My labour was traumatic, again something I've talked about enough, and I didn't really know how to cope. Not only did I have to get used to having this tiny little human, but I also had to deal with the very scary experience that I had had. There's no nice way of putting it, but I could have died had I lost any more blood. I'm so incredibly thankful for the doctors/nurses/midwives I had around me at that time.

A year on from that, I thought I would have it down by now; but the truth is, I feel like things are really getting on top of me. So much so, once the move is over with, I am registering with a new GP and talking to them about maybe going back onto my medication for a little while.

When I'm having my bad days, there's nothing I want more than to be someone else. It's always been something I think about. I seem to cling onto the fact that other people have better lives, and I end up feeling worse for it. I know this is one thought I need to stop having.
I also spend a lot of time sleeping, but now Scout is my main priority, this doesn't happen as much as it would have before. Because of this, I'm getting exhausted very quickly. Both emotionally and physically. I get angry and snap at Liam, but also feel like I don't want to be a parent. Next comes the guilt.

I feel guilty because I miss the free time I used to have, I feel guilty because sometimes I wish Scout would just nap for half an hour longer so I even have the chance to finish a blog post. I feel guilty because a lot of the time at the moment, I just can't wait for hand him over to Liam once he's home from work.  All these things come down to the fact that I am always thinking of something else. Baby, dinner, housework, animals. There's no time for me. I don't know who I am at the minute. I feel like I've lost all sense of myself, I live in my Pjs, I rarely even brush my hair. This is not me.

I'll probably be a little MIA for the rest of this month. I want to take some time to work on myself, find a sense of happiness again, enjoy Scout in his last few weeks of being a 0 year old (I had no idea how else to write that,) and see if maybe I can pull myself out of this dark hole without the help of medication. I believe I can, but I need to find some strength from somewhere to do it.

After the move, we hope to have our time managed a lot better. Scout will be able to go and spend time with Liam's family once in a while, meaning I will have some me time. I will also have friends nearby, which is something I haven't had in two years! I'm excited. I'm planning on giving WhenFlowersFall a big makeover and jumping straight back into doing what I love. I know many other mums blog and youtube all whilst having children, so if they can, why can't I. I just need to find the right balance.

I'm sitting here after typing out this post wondering if anyone will even read it. My views have been shocking in the past few months. But, I feel so much better for getting everything in my head into writing, so I may as well post it.

I'll be around on instagram and the such like, and of course we are still daily vlogging; so you can keep up with the move progress over on the DailyJones channel. (I really want to change the name of that...)

If you have gotten to the end of this post, thank you for taking the time to read it.
I really believe things will get better.


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2 comments

  1. Hi Sam, although as you may know I'm far from being a mother myself, I have also been suffering from depression for about seven years now and I can absolutely relate to the way you feel. This constant guilt and fear that you should do more yet not being able to at all. It's crushing and exhausting. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and it's okay to rely on meds again if that's what you need to keep you going ! I know that you can and will get through this rough patch, when you will be settled in your new house things should be a bit easier already as moving is always stressful especially with a little one around !
    Sending you loads of hugs and positive vibes ! xx
    Charlie.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Charlie. It really means a lot. xxx

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