Money, being a Mama & lack of control.

In the last four years, I've learnt that I'm a serious control freak.
Life has thrown a lot my way during this time, and a lot of it has been totally out of my control, meaning I've felt full of anxiety, stress or anger towards those certain situations.

Let's start when we moved out of Liam's parent's home four years ago. Liam had just finished his masters degree, and had been offered a job in Leeds. At the time, I was working part time (say full time if you count all the overtime I did,) and enjoyed my job. I had a choice. Either stay in Crewe and keep my job without Liam, or quit and move to Leeds with him. Of course at the time, I thought it best to quit and move; an exciting new adventure. Except, I couldn't get a new job. My anxiety over the new place and not knowing anyone took over, and if you've been a reader since the beginning, you know that I was diagnosed with depression. It's been this way ever since. Me jobless, Liam the one who earns the money.
We struggled during the first couple of years. We struggled a lot, with many things. My mental health being one of them.

The two years ago, I fell pregnant. Liam was finally earning enough to support us and it felt good. I'd gotten used to not having any money of my own, and I was happy enough pottering around, looking after our home, all whilst Liam was at work. I had my own space, my own time and a hobby that I loved. Everything just fit and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel out of control.

But when Scout came along, all of those feelings changed. I no longer had control over when I could do the housework, or when I could write for WhenFlowersFall. At this point, I realised that my want for control over things was probably a bit more than normal. I'd cry every day, something I still do regularly, and felt trapped. Something I'm sure many first time mums feel at some point.

Fast forward to now, and a lot has changed again.
We've moved back to our home town, Liam now earns a great wage and works from home, and Scout is a year old. But, I don't feel much different. I thought I would. Liam is totally weighed down with the tonnes of work he has to do, I don't have time to keep the house clean whilst looking after Scout and I still feel a huge lack of control. I feel constantly overwhelmed. I thought when Liam started working from home, that it would mean two people in the house, so two people to do the housework.  I mean, it is two people now making the majority of the mess. Wrong. I also thought that I may get some time to myself. Wrong again. That is unless we've had a falling out about it, and then it happens for about a week.
The only problem is, in my 'free' time I try to battle the mountains of laundry, hoover, clean the bathroom and kitchen. I feel like I do everything, apart from the things I love to do; like blog, or film videos.  (As I'm writing this I'm ignoring the washing machine beeping at me to tell me it's done.)

Another control thing I didn't think would matter to me, is money. Liam does everything house wise, bills, rent etc. I never know what's been paid, or how much is left. But the big issue is, I HATE not earning my own money. I don't have my own savings, all of my bills are paid by Liam's income and I get an allowance of £150 a month on a good month. I feel useless and trapped by it. If I was to work, all of my wages would go towards childcare for Scout. Either that, or I would have to work weekends, meaning zero family time.

At this point, I'm not quite sure what to do. I like to think of the what ifs, so I can be prepared for anything; but currently the what ifs terrify me.
What if...Liam and I were to decide to split? I would be left with nothing. No car, no money, no where to live.
What if...something terrible was to happen to Liam? Same thing.

I've thought about saving my allowance each month, but after doing a couple of things for myself each month, nails, maybe a new pair of jeans; I just don't have that much left to save.

Lack of control is terrifying, but I currently have no idea where to go with it.
I didn't quite expect this post to be as long and rambly (read moany) as it has ended up being. Sorry about that.
I guess I would just like to ask you guys for suggestions? Or even just know if it's just me. Am I totally wrong feeling this way? Is it normal?
I'd be fibbing if I say it hadn't caused a fair few arguments recently, and I'm trying to find some way to combat the issue. I'd love to just have some security again.

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