A change in direction.

'Find time for the things that make you feel happy to be alive' Hobbies, passions, frustrations of being a stay at home mum,

So it's been a few months since we welcomed in 2017; it's also been a few months of me spiralling into a very familiar unhappy place.

This all came to a head this past week, when Liam announced to me that he would be making moves in his career which are pretty great for him. They're pretty great for us too, as a family; but I couldn't help but feel a great sense of jealousy and unfulfillment. Jealous that he has a career, and time to do things he loves. Unfulfilled with the life I lead as a stay at home mum.

In 2009 not long after Liam and I had started seeing each other, after finishing college with a triple distinction grade in Art and Design, I decided that university wasn't for me. I didn't want to move miles away to somewhere new, and I certainly didn't want to lose this blossoming new relationship. So I just didn't go and I stuck with my part time job at a shop. 

In 2011 I was still in the same job, but working on stepping up in the company. My timehop tells me that I moaned about it a lot but I did love it. This was the year that Liam graduated and got his first office job. This involved a move to Leeds, so I decided to leave my job to go with him. I'll just get a transfer once I'm up there, I thought. Little did I know that there were no stores nearby to our new home, and I ended up leaving the company. I also ended up becoming incredibly depressed and lonely. I had no friends, and had fallen out with my old ones over my decision to move up north. This all meant that even though I'd go to countless interviews, albeit incredibly nervous, I'd smash them and get the job(s); but when it came to my start day I'd have a huge panic attack and not go. It was probably the lowest I've ever been. 

A couple of years there, struggling on Liam's very low post-grad income, we moved down south to Kent for a slight change in his career. By this point I'd given up even trying to get a job, but my depression was improving thanks to my medication. Then Scout happened, our planned but not planned little bundle of love. 

His birth was dramatic and I was incredibly poorly, but it was all I ever wanted. I thought I was fine. Little did we realise that my depression was going to get bad, really quick. Postpartum depression is no joke, but I didn't even realise what was happening. I just thought it was the new struggles of being a mum. I never got the help I needed and I just struggled through it. 

For the past three years I've been a stay at home Mum, and I'm going to admit that I've not loved it. For years, it was all I ever wanted. I really thought it was. Don't get me wrong, I love the bones of Scout, and we are incredibly eager to try for baby number two, but I am soooooo bored with the same stuff day in, day out! For the past couple of months I've been experiencing all those low familiar feels that come with my depression. I've spent many a day frustrated and angry; full afternoons sat in tears over just feeling like crap. 

So with Liam's news last week; I broke down. I didn't want to spend another day sitting around, being climbed on by my fire cracker of a child. All of a sudden I felt the need to do something else, learn something new, develop a new skill. I didn't even know what I wanted to do, and that frustrated me. I cried some more. After six years of not doing anything, my brain feels like it resembles a pot of slime. I have no passions, no hobbies, and what feels like no time for any of those things. But, I have got some drive all of a sudden. Maybe that's why I'm writing this blog post? Maybe that's why I've been looking at online courses? Maybe, just maybe, I needed a bit of a mega meltdown to give me the boost to do something about it. 

All I have to do now is figure out what I'm going to do. I'm a very indecisive person and I've wanted to do everything from photography, to interior design, but right now nothing arty seems to be inspiring me.  I am very interesting in health and fitness at the minute, so maybe that's the route I'll go down. But until then, I'm going to focus on getting this blog back off the ground. I want to move it in more of a personal direction, a bit like a diary maybe; sharing things I've loved and not loved, days out we've had as a family, personal growth and development. 

I stopped blogging because I genuinely didn't feel good enough. Many others have grown incredibly quickly, and here I am writing a blog post that probably not many people will read. But I'm not going to let that bother me anymore. The only person I'm going to do this for now is me, for my little brain to get some activity other than trying to potty train my very uninterested three year old. 

I hope if you do read posts on my little part of the internet, that you enjoy what I write. I hope you can find it relatable and real, because at the end of the day, I'm just a 27 year old, mum of one, trying to find her passion for life again. I like to play with make-up, I buy lots of pretty bohemian dresses that I very rarely get to wear, and I crave something other than being a stay at home mum. Even though I do love my child.

4 comments

  1. I've never read anything more relatable in my life. I went to uni and got a business computing degree (a year later than I should have) but because of a slipped disc and sciatica I started to suffer with bad anxiety and depression.
    It took over my life for almost a year and everyone else was off getting graduate jobs and I just felt like I was left behind in a way.

    Now we're 3 years down the line and things haven't really changed, but now my boyfriend is getting his dream job and I'm at home pregnant with no clue at where my life is going to go...its an awful feeling.

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    Replies
    1. Just remember, you're not alone. Feel free to message me when ever you need to talk to someone. Xxx

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  2. I watch new bloggers come and grow really quickly and it makes me feel sad when I'm trying to so hard and feel stuck going super slowly! Your attitude will get you far ❤

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  3. From someone looking at having to move to cheshire after already moving to Humberside due to my other halves job i can relate to this so, so much, and i for one would love to read anything you post & watch anything you do. You're awesome, and you can do this. xx

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